Nagoya and other gories

It was quite emotionally challenging going into the big city for the first time since 2006.

You have to remember that I didn't go there in 2008 either, even though it is only 28 minutes away.

Too many memories from a life that was before Water World and What Came After.

I now realise why I stay in my room so much.

I am in massive denial about being back here.

Massive denial.

Vote Ron Paul.

The one thing that keeps me going is knowing that soon I will be a rare thing: an unprofessional chick who managed to retire at 43. salfjdfkwioaerewraeslgjadsfja;lkpwotopwetpwp;

Anyway, whatever.

Actually, I wrote some stuff on the train on the way 'home'.

Here are some snippets from the drivel I wrote.

I'm writing this on the train at 3pm, whilst the feelings are still fresh.
I now realise why I have been an Extreme Hermit this year, or TWAT, for short.
It's because I cannot stand to be reminded of my past life here, when I was happy. Oh cry me a koi pond.

The sounds.
Japan is full of sounds.
Whistles, strange 'bing bongs' in the train stations, melodic pedestrian traffic crossings. (Snot snorters)
The sights.
Buildings, train tracks, roads, shops, all familiar reminders of a different life I lived for many years.
It almost kills me to be here, outside, seeing reminders of a time when I was really happy and excited for my future.

Now look at me.
I am a wreck..
I used to just sense a slight decay on the inside.
Now I know it's there.
I feel it causing numbness where there used to be a trigger happy gun shooting bullets of joy.
In Vegas I felt it.

I said to him on the street, next to the Bellagio, 'I am envious that you can still feel so much love for me because whilst I love you deeply, I cannot feel it like I used to feel it. There is this sense of numbness. I think it was created as a way to help me ignore my reality this year. I am envious of you. Do you remember how lovely I was when we fell in love? I wish I was that person again'

It was just the one. To get me in the mood for freedom and travel.

With him I have become violent, I scream like an animal, it is as if I will never be able to forgive, that when I see him, I am confronted with a huge desire to love him, but at the same time I hate him for being the trigger for this year. And yet I love him so much. If only the numbness would go away my love for him would be complete again. It is clear that I am now a functioning depressive after so long living in my own head. If I can be truly happy again, I can truly love deeply again.
No wonder I'm bay polar.
I want to cure myself. The sooner the better.

So today I purchased some Molasses because it's good for helping depression fck off.

But back to the point of this post.
It has been painful walking the streets of my past.
It is only 28 minutes away from where I live, but not once did I visit last year, nor in 2008.
Not once.
On a lighter note, all went well at the immigration office and the lady was really nice once she remembered me from yesterday.

You just know there are so many 'stories' amongst the people in the immigration office.
Most are not Western.
They are Indian, African, Southeast Asian.
The things that people do to make money.
Taking themselves far from their families and familiar cuisine.
Winding up residing in one of the weirdest nations on the planet.

Those mountains in the distance are where I go skiing.

Despite my ability to be a Pity Pitter, I am quite a strong person, even in my broken down state.
This is why I have been able to live in Japan for so long.
For whilst I crave closeness with people - something that has been hard to achieve with the Japanese as a whole - I do love their
homogeneity, that I know them, even though I don't know them.

Japan suited my orphan-like status, it protected me with its safe streets, its innocence, its steady nature.
I truly thank Japan for taking care of me during my 'career', for giving me the peace and safety within which I
could plan my freedom. There is no way I could have done this in New Delhi.

Whilst I think I should avoid retracing past steps, I am looking forward to hitting the slopes.
Quick change of topic.
Today I finally found a well-priced Portable Hard Drive, USB-powered, 1TB, for $120, which was $60 cheaper than the one I nearly bought in the USA.
I am currently downloading hundreds of movies upon it for my retirement.
Movie sharing goes down well with travelers and in Water World.

I also bought some really funky, face compact-sized, great sounding, AAA-powered speakers.
Photo to come later.
Gonna have a lingering bath now.
This post has made me want to drink my wrists and slit Coke.
A bath should cheer me up.
;)

This is what I had for dinner tonight.
It was yummy.