In a nutshell, I really want to have something to look forward to in March, and we haven't discussed 'plans' yet because I have been too feral - seriously, it is hard going from hermit to not-a-hermit - so we aren't discussing the future because 'how can we make plans when we can't even get through a day?'.
Which came first though?
Regardless, I refuse to have nothing to look forward to come March, and given the royal fck up of 2009, I shall only rely upon myself, especially given that the plan we had touched upon, takes months of planning, and uh, we don't have months left.
I am therefore not going to play the 'I have to be good for plans to be made' game because I asked him to understand that I would not be Super Honey Bunny on this trip because of all the pressure so far this year, and so on, so blah, I shall not wait upon shared plans to be made, but instead plan something that I know I will love.
I'm thinking of heading into South East Asia again and traveling all over by train, through Thailand, and into Burma. And then take a cheap flight out of Bangkok to Kenya/SA. This is one of my ideas because I want and deserve - just like other women deserve pedicures - to savour the run-up to freedom, to revel in the next few months, to dribble with glee whilst I plan.
Or, go to the boat for the first few months - hmm, this is a better plan, Mexico in the cooler to hot months, haul out for hurricane season, and then overland travel somewhere - and blah blah blah. But on the boat, I would want to be alone. To decompress. With 200% freedom to think and be. This is the creature that gets created when love gets doused with distance. I don't like what I have become. Love has backfired on me, I have backfired on love, and I want to try to get back to what was there before, but such decisions are being made during a time when I am, more than ever, protective of my impending freedom and newfound happiness. I would also like all my American friends to Vote Ron Paul in 2012.
Which came first though?
 |
| New Year's Eve beer cooler in friend's garden |
Regardless, I refuse to have nothing to look forward to come March, and given the royal fck up of 2009, I shall only rely upon myself, especially given that the plan we had touched upon, takes months of planning, and uh, we don't have months left.
I am therefore not going to play the 'I have to be good for plans to be made' game because I asked him to understand that I would not be Super Honey Bunny on this trip because of all the pressure so far this year, and so on, so blah, I shall not wait upon shared plans to be made, but instead plan something that I know I will love.
I'm thinking of heading into South East Asia again and traveling all over by train, through Thailand, and into Burma. And then take a cheap flight out of Bangkok to Kenya/SA. This is one of my ideas because I want and deserve - just like other women deserve pedicures - to savour the run-up to freedom, to revel in the next few months, to dribble with glee whilst I plan.
Or, go to the boat for the first few months - hmm, this is a better plan, Mexico in the cooler to hot months, haul out for hurricane season, and then overland travel somewhere - and blah blah blah. But on the boat, I would want to be alone. To decompress. With 200% freedom to think and be. This is the creature that gets created when love gets doused with distance. I don't like what I have become. Love has backfired on me, I have backfired on love, and I want to try to get back to what was there before, but such decisions are being made during a time when I am, more than ever, protective of my impending freedom and newfound happiness. I would also like all my American friends to Vote Ron Paul in 2012.
7 comments:
The boat should be a priority because it's a cost to keep it, and you don't want to have the work you've done rot away before you've enjoyed it.
Spend March-April in the bay, and then think about inviting Cabin Boy down...if you want it.
You have business to tend to inside and out: Why complicate it, esp. if you are Feral Meryl.
The plan to bugger out of Mehico when it's stonking is a sound one, as it will be fall in Africa. But at least sail in Mer de Cortez a bit first. Reconnect with AJ and the sea. Get sorted.
r
I agree.
Returning to the boat for March/April - into June even - will be the best way to restart my life. I might try to get a carrier that will have a stopover in Asia somewhere, for two weeks decompression before heading to the yard to get the boat ready to splash. The fact he hasn't mentioned the boat also breaks my heart - like, how fcking long do we have to move along in this relationship to be able to talk about it all, after all this hell, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I shall take matters into my own hands, me thinks.
I would love to be in the yard in early March, giving the bottom a top up of bottom paint, then splashing, and I have friends there.
p.s Thanks for all your other comments whilst I have been away.
I agree, Mexico in the spring to early summer.
Have you ever just asked him straight up, "would you like to spend March through June with me on the boat sailing?" If he says no then you ask "would you prefer a shorter time or a longer time?" That kind of lets him know what you would like to do. I feel like the two of you may be skirting the issues trying not to ruffle the feathers or stomp the toes. Let him know that you want him involved in your plans. All he can say is "I don't want to do that, you go on without me." Like my husband does. Then call me... we'll make plans, lol.
I'll second jomamma's approach.
I think he may be somewhat aware of your dreams regarding AJ but he may not share your confidence in their ultimate success.
I think his having far more experience floating on the offshore parts of the planet (if he is who I'm thinking of from some of your long lost blogs), then he may be very reluctant to allow himself to get into the position of being responsible for enabling you to cast off into the wild blue yonder, since if it doesn't go as planned then he will no doubt be blamed even if only in his own mind.
You could add a third option to jomamma's with 'Do you think I should cut my losses and "fire sell" the AJ so "we" can both buy a better boat to go sailing across the Specific and beyond on...'
I'll now apologize for throwing into question the confidence inducing attributes of the beautiful AJ for a truly off shore adventure. However you would be an extremely rare skipper to have actually purchased your first and with your budget the "perfect" boat for such a relatively extreme adventure.
Respectfully,
Chris
I think jomamma is right - ask him direct questions. If the answer is wishy-washy/uncommitting/vague/etc then you know in your heart what the answer is.
I had written much more but decided to delete it because we've been here before and what I wrote sounded harsh.
I wish you well, M, as we all do. Do whatever feels right.
You're welcome. I try to have your interests as you've expressed them in mind.
Now, I'm sure he "loves" you long time, but there's a disinclination (from what I gather from what you are willing to share) to take into account that you had and still have a separate and important game plan that CAN include him...but doesn't have to. It's like "things disappear when we ignore them."
Not.
Jo makes a good point: Are the two of you waiting for the other to speak first? That's a touch futile. Just saying "here's my expectation, my Retirement Year One scenario: Are you in or out?" might clear the air. This ridiculous pussyfooting does no good.
Chris has an interesting point, but seeing as you bought AJ at a firesale price and probably improved it only to "capable of San Carlos Bay and daytrips to the Bay of Beer five miles north", what might constitute a fire sale price would likely be shockingly low.
I think it would be cheaper to keep and gradually improve and gradually learn to handle the bird in the Water World hand rather than reset the clock with another boat, for which you don't have the money, anyway.
AJ is fine in her (his?) bones. Fitting out will be expensive, but it needn't be rushed. You have enough in terms of sails and motor to explore the west coast of Mexico until you feel capable of going out of sight of land.
Post a Comment