Well, it sure is a trial and tribulation trying to combine being of sound loving mind with the head I reluctantly cultivated this past year or so. But step by step.
When I allow myself to relax, things are good.
Good friends came round last night for dinner.
They are extreme fork biters - extreme - but the music and the flowing conversation somewhat muffled it.
Somewhat.
I did well. No evil looks. Nothing. No The Glare. It was horrible though. I fcking hate fork biting. It ruins the meal. She was really bad. But she's so nice. If only..sigh. Please, if you are a fork biter, please make your New Year Resolution one where you decide to remove fork biting from your life.
And I still urge all my American friends to Vote Ron Paul in 2012 and tee hee, I was canvassing for him in a home where they hate Ron Paul. Bwhahahahahaha. It was funny. I'm tigressing
Fork biting sucks so much. M'fcking worldwide fork biters. Please, stick to wooden chopsticks.
Indeed, next time I might invite helicopters to land in the garden or put some White Noise on, but the fact I made it through the dinner party without throwing The Glare, is a good sign that, even though the Nigerian government has ceased oil subsidies, the universe will go on and on, for a while, at least.
Dinner was delicious, albeit I think that the expensive Bison meat ($8.99 per lb) was somewhat wasted on the dish I chose, even though it was good.
I served Bison Larb - Larb is a traditional dish from Laos, using roasted rice, lemongrass, chilies, ground meat, cilantro - and a Waldorf Salad.
I have to say that Waldorf Salad, closely followed by Japanese Radish Salad, is my favourite salad.
Too many salads.
Apple, celery, walnuts, mayo, salt, pepper. It can be jazzed up with cranberries.
This breakfast beer tastes good.
I have part of the morning to myself.
I need this 'space' to be happy in the relationship.
I have spoken of all my fears for our future, how I think I can no longer be happy with another - even though I love him so much - because I feel that I crossed to The Other Side this year, and I have so much going for myself as a person anyway, so many things that I enjoy doing, but which are somewhat anti-social, anti-relationship, and I'm not sure I am prepared to give them up at this late stage in my life, at this late stage of the relationship, having gone through so much hell in my head for so long now, having had to survive alone for so long now, and wanting only 100% guaranteed happiness for the rest of my life, which only illness or death can fck up.
But we shall see.
There might be a trip out to Vegas this next couple of days, with camping en route somewhere beautiful.
The Return looms but from hereon out it's all good - in my world - with Total Freedom on the near horizon, skiing, and plans that I have to make for the first month or so of retirement, which I am thinking very carefully about, because I want and need it to be perfect.
On New Years Day we took a walk around the 'closed' Lowell Observatory grounds.
It was nice to be there, just us, walking in the sunshine, even if it was closed.
So yah, here I sit, absolutely loving having this time to myself but feeling under pressure to get everything that I enjoy doing - reading the news, writing stupid blog stuff, coffee enema, bath, just mindless sloth time - within the time I have, before he comes back.
This is not a healthy way to live.
To feel stifled.
And believe me, he is not stifling me. I can do what I want, I just don't feel comfortable doing what I want within a relationship. My head is so fcked up now. I don't know what will make me happy. Well, I know that who I am, by myself, what I have, can bring me happiness. But can I have the same happiness with another without losing who I am, because sometimes I feel so empty inside and it makes me feel so incrediably sad, just being, not being myself.
I guess I am unusual in that I have spent most of my life alone, and it could be this, plus all the crap I went through during the early years of this love, which is making it hard for me to relax, which is making it hard for me to figure out what will truly make me happy.
Will it be throwing myself into love?
Or will it be throwing myself into life?
There was a point when I had both life and love dicked.
But then it got fcked up and since that time I have found it hard to be myself and I miss being myself.
This is all ongoing and pretty boring for y'all to read about but I need to write about it because I am at a very important crossroads in my life.
Believe me when I say I am with the best man on the planet. He is amazing. He is the only person I will ever love. But can I make a life with him, a happy life, where I feel fulfilled? I don't know at this stage.
For sure, for sure, he brings me new experiences, he has shown me so many beautiful places in the US, we travel well together, he wants to spend the rest of our lives traveling the world, I mean, really, I am so lucky to have this man love me, but, I am different in a relationship, I feel sucked dry of my spirit, I feel that I cannot write, think, be a twat - and it has nothing to do with the other person, the other person is fine giving me all the 'space' I need - it is just that I really do feel that I have crossed to into the Feral Zone.
For sure, we could travel the world together, but would my experiences be as total as if I had done it alone.
I really hate this Feral side to me but it happened and why shouldn't it have happened, I mean, it's not like I haven't had to survive alone for huge chunks of time since 2007.
Anyway, we shall see. It somewhat helps to write it down.
 |
| Buck Kamikazes |
When I allow myself to relax, things are good.
Good friends came round last night for dinner.
They are extreme fork biters - extreme - but the music and the flowing conversation somewhat muffled it.
Somewhat.
I did well. No evil looks. Nothing. No The Glare. It was horrible though. I fcking hate fork biting. It ruins the meal. She was really bad. But she's so nice. If only..sigh. Please, if you are a fork biter, please make your New Year Resolution one where you decide to remove fork biting from your life.
And I still urge all my American friends to Vote Ron Paul in 2012 and tee hee, I was canvassing for him in a home where they hate Ron Paul. Bwhahahahahaha. It was funny. I'm tigressing
 |
| Bison Larb |
Indeed, next time I might invite helicopters to land in the garden or put some White Noise on, but the fact I made it through the dinner party without throwing The Glare, is a good sign that, even though the Nigerian government has ceased oil subsidies, the universe will go on and on, for a while, at least.
 |
| Lunch in the garden t'other day. Pizza and Lambrusco chilled in the snow. Tablecloth from Turkey. $3. |
Dinner was delicious, albeit I think that the expensive Bison meat ($8.99 per lb) was somewhat wasted on the dish I chose, even though it was good.
 |
| Toasting the jasmine rice for the Larb. |
I served Bison Larb - Larb is a traditional dish from Laos, using roasted rice, lemongrass, chilies, ground meat, cilantro - and a Waldorf Salad.
 |
| Waldorf |
I have to say that Waldorf Salad, closely followed by Japanese Radish Salad, is my favourite salad.
Too many salads.
Apple, celery, walnuts, mayo, salt, pepper. It can be jazzed up with cranberries.
This breakfast beer tastes good.
I have part of the morning to myself.
I need this 'space' to be happy in the relationship.
 |
| Chilling the 'brusco |
I have spoken of all my fears for our future, how I think I can no longer be happy with another - even though I love him so much - because I feel that I crossed to The Other Side this year, and I have so much going for myself as a person anyway, so many things that I enjoy doing, but which are somewhat anti-social, anti-relationship, and I'm not sure I am prepared to give them up at this late stage in my life, at this late stage of the relationship, having gone through so much hell in my head for so long now, having had to survive alone for so long now, and wanting only 100% guaranteed happiness for the rest of my life, which only illness or death can fck up.
But we shall see.
 |
| The Lowell Telescope |
There might be a trip out to Vegas this next couple of days, with camping en route somewhere beautiful.
The Return looms but from hereon out it's all good - in my world - with Total Freedom on the near horizon, skiing, and plans that I have to make for the first month or so of retirement, which I am thinking very carefully about, because I want and need it to be perfect.
On New Years Day we took a walk around the 'closed' Lowell Observatory grounds.
It was nice to be there, just us, walking in the sunshine, even if it was closed.
So yah, here I sit, absolutely loving having this time to myself but feeling under pressure to get everything that I enjoy doing - reading the news, writing stupid blog stuff, coffee enema, bath, just mindless sloth time - within the time I have, before he comes back.
This is not a healthy way to live.
To feel stifled.
And believe me, he is not stifling me. I can do what I want, I just don't feel comfortable doing what I want within a relationship. My head is so fcked up now. I don't know what will make me happy. Well, I know that who I am, by myself, what I have, can bring me happiness. But can I have the same happiness with another without losing who I am, because sometimes I feel so empty inside and it makes me feel so incrediably sad, just being, not being myself.
I guess I am unusual in that I have spent most of my life alone, and it could be this, plus all the crap I went through during the early years of this love, which is making it hard for me to relax, which is making it hard for me to figure out what will truly make me happy.
 |
| Free 'champagne' at the Indian Buffet |
Will it be throwing myself into love?
Or will it be throwing myself into life?
There was a point when I had both life and love dicked.
But then it got fcked up and since that time I have found it hard to be myself and I miss being myself.
This is all ongoing and pretty boring for y'all to read about but I need to write about it because I am at a very important crossroads in my life.
Believe me when I say I am with the best man on the planet. He is amazing. He is the only person I will ever love. But can I make a life with him, a happy life, where I feel fulfilled? I don't know at this stage.
For sure, for sure, he brings me new experiences, he has shown me so many beautiful places in the US, we travel well together, he wants to spend the rest of our lives traveling the world, I mean, really, I am so lucky to have this man love me, but, I am different in a relationship, I feel sucked dry of my spirit, I feel that I cannot write, think, be a twat - and it has nothing to do with the other person, the other person is fine giving me all the 'space' I need - it is just that I really do feel that I have crossed to into the Feral Zone.
For sure, we could travel the world together, but would my experiences be as total as if I had done it alone.
I really hate this Feral side to me but it happened and why shouldn't it have happened, I mean, it's not like I haven't had to survive alone for huge chunks of time since 2007.
Anyway, we shall see. It somewhat helps to write it down.
3 comments:
"Bison Larb" looks like an anagram.
Of what?
Bob, I snarl.
Lo, bra bins!
Iran blobs.
Absorb nil.
I thought for sure she was typing drunk with one foot.
Oh and on the 'biters', you should ask, "does that hurt your teeth when you bite the fork like that?"
"Does it make a screeching sound in your head?"
"It would hurt my teeth."
"It even hurts mine when you do it."
"It hurts my ears too."
Be sure to act kind of drunk when you say this...
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