Being 43 is also an important factor that I take into consideration regarding what to do regarding my status as a human on planet earth before I pass to The Other Other Side.
43 is a lot of years.
This is it.
This next 6 years till 50.
Then the 50 till 60.
Is that me who I am reading about?
Because if it is, I absolutely want to live every second that I have left, feeling comfortable with my deal.
Alone, I am pretty unique and get into all sorts of adventures.
This happens because I'm not very 'grown-up'.
I don't drive.
I've never had kids or been divorced.
I have no pension.
With another, I lose that uniqueness. It is no longer a struggle. It is all so easy. There is nothing for me to figure out. There is no sense of daily achievement beyond reaching orgasm.
I have some heavy things to consider.
But after this trip - and for sure he has tried to make it perfect for me - I am more certain than ever before, that him waving me off for this year of work in Japan, has fcked with me so deeply, that when it's all over, I might need some time to decompress on my tod, because there is no way that I want to feel how I have felt on this vacation; through no fault but my own, albeit, even though I don't drive or have a pension, given the chance, I would have stuffed a LOT into the days off I had, but instead it's been pastoral and from the same blueprint as former trips to the US, so hmm, more than ever, I want my retirement to start with my own original bang, especially since my early days of retirement in 2009 were so fcking miserable. Uh.
What keeps me happy on the inside is knowing that I will finally be free.
It is a beautiful thing to be able to look forward to.
I have been left alone since 9:30am. It is now 1:30pm. If he met some friends and didn't come back to get me so I could hang out with them too, then my decision becomes easier, but we shall see, we shall see if I have got through my needs in a relationship, for it to be a happy relationship, or if I'm just spitting into the wind, no matter what year it is. If he comes back having done what he said he was going to do, then the love becomes stronger, not weaker. So we shall see.
He is a good man but I am 43 and 43 is old and I don't have long left, not in the grand scheme of things.
43 is a lot of years.
This is it.
This next 6 years till 50.
Then the 50 till 60.
Is that me who I am reading about?
Because if it is, I absolutely want to live every second that I have left, feeling comfortable with my deal.
Alone, I am pretty unique and get into all sorts of adventures.
This happens because I'm not very 'grown-up'.
I don't drive.
I've never had kids or been divorced.
I have no pension.
With another, I lose that uniqueness. It is no longer a struggle. It is all so easy. There is nothing for me to figure out. There is no sense of daily achievement beyond reaching orgasm.
I have some heavy things to consider.
But after this trip - and for sure he has tried to make it perfect for me - I am more certain than ever before, that him waving me off for this year of work in Japan, has fcked with me so deeply, that when it's all over, I might need some time to decompress on my tod, because there is no way that I want to feel how I have felt on this vacation; through no fault but my own, albeit, even though I don't drive or have a pension, given the chance, I would have stuffed a LOT into the days off I had, but instead it's been pastoral and from the same blueprint as former trips to the US, so hmm, more than ever, I want my retirement to start with my own original bang, especially since my early days of retirement in 2009 were so fcking miserable. Uh.
What keeps me happy on the inside is knowing that I will finally be free.
It is a beautiful thing to be able to look forward to.
I have been left alone since 9:30am. It is now 1:30pm. If he met some friends and didn't come back to get me so I could hang out with them too, then my decision becomes easier, but we shall see, we shall see if I have got through my needs in a relationship, for it to be a happy relationship, or if I'm just spitting into the wind, no matter what year it is. If he comes back having done what he said he was going to do, then the love becomes stronger, not weaker. So we shall see.
He is a good man but I am 43 and 43 is old and I don't have long left, not in the grand scheme of things.
2 comments:
A guy I went to school with did very, very well in the industry in which I (eventually)declined to participate died on Dec. 30.
http://www.cbc.ca/sports/story/2011/12/31/sp-sellars-died.html
Clunk. Game over. He was the most successful person in my year, and rose to the top of Canadian sports television (producing "Hockey Night in Canada", a religious observance in my country) while still in his 20s.
So, yes, I'm thinking about this today, but I'm also thinking that *any* age is too young if you still have things you want to do in life.
This shouldn't be anxiety-making, but it should be motivational.
All I know is, you're never too old for a hug, so here's a virtual one.
Best wishes, M, for 2012. Make the most of it.
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