Little things that make feel pissed off is having to unnecessarily lug all these beautiful throws from Japan to the US, which I bought in Turkey this past summer, for 'our' life, 'our' future -they come in so useful for picnics, shade covers, bed covers, boat salon covers, truck bed covers - but which he didn't want to take back with him at the time because he hates 'checking in' luggage.
So instead I had to carry them all the way back to Japan from Turkey, and now all the way to the States.
This pisses me off.
At least he is picking me up from the airport, and at least Japan has a cheap delivery service, where I can drag this case down to the local convenience store, and have them ship it directly to the airport.
It is little things like this that took the fairy out of my tale and creates the baypolar in me.
I definitely want to go to Mexico this vacation, even if for a few days, which it will be, to dump this stuff, just in case we don't work out between Jan and March, and also because I think that the boat should come FIRST in 2012, and that we should do what other crazy fcks do, which is sail the Sea in the summer, when it's fucking hot, but when it's so fantastic to be able to swim and snorkel and feel so feral and adventuresome, when everybody else has left the 'hood and gone north.
I'd love to go over to the Baja side, Conception and all that jazz.
After a year in Concrete City, I crave being as far away from the madding crowd, as far away from just about everybody on the planet, as it's possible to get, and being on my boat, in the Cortez, well, you can't get more isolated, well, you can, I know you can, but you know what I mean.
So instead I had to carry them all the way back to Japan from Turkey, and now all the way to the States.
This pisses me off.
At least he is picking me up from the airport, and at least Japan has a cheap delivery service, where I can drag this case down to the local convenience store, and have them ship it directly to the airport.
It is little things like this that took the fairy out of my tale and creates the baypolar in me.
I definitely want to go to Mexico this vacation, even if for a few days, which it will be, to dump this stuff, just in case we don't work out between Jan and March, and also because I think that the boat should come FIRST in 2012, and that we should do what other crazy fcks do, which is sail the Sea in the summer, when it's fucking hot, but when it's so fantastic to be able to swim and snorkel and feel so feral and adventuresome, when everybody else has left the 'hood and gone north.
I'd love to go over to the Baja side, Conception and all that jazz.
After a year in Concrete City, I crave being as far away from the madding crowd, as far away from just about everybody on the planet, as it's possible to get, and being on my boat, in the Cortez, well, you can't get more isolated, well, you can, I know you can, but you know what I mean.
16 comments:
(Anon2) Hmmmm....Not sure why you need to bring everything at once during this trip. You ARE coming back to Japan, right? Those poor innocent throws now have your negative energy saturating them and are just a reminder of the rare times HE can be a dick. I'd leave them in Japan this trip. Treat yourself and travel light for a change. A few clothes, your laptop, e-bag, and a kilo of chocolate covered coffee beans for munching on the flight........
The thing is, once I leave here for good in March, I will want this stuff either in my life with him, or, in my life on the boat, so taking them now makes it easier for me in the long-run, especially if I am to be alone. I am very much in love but this year has done strange things to me and I am not sure which direction to go, I guess I will know soon, but in the meantime, the more of my crap I can move across the ocean, the sooner, the better.
Is there a possibility that you know deep down that he probably wants option 3 but your head says there's only 1 & 2?
Would option 3 be so bad? Maybe your sub-conscious is messing with you because you really want option 2 and are looking for an excuse to blame life / him?
Maybe you don't really know what you want but are scared of losing what little you have. There's nothing wrong with that you know.
What's O3?
He really, really loves me, and I really, really love him, but I'm just not sure that I can be tamed after this year, that I have spent so much time alone, in my own head, that it might have been rewired to only ever function alone, for the rest of my life.
This is my fear, and it is a fear, because I do love him. There is no need to go and see this man this winter if I didn't love him.
I have my own money and had other options, like going to see my good friend in Kenya, but I have chosen to see if the feral I have become, is merely a lowercase feral, and that a life spent with another, might be possible after all. But like I said, I won't know till I have tried.
Well, your option 1, from what I understand, is you want him to ask you to marry him. If he doesn't your option 2 is a life of sailing the high seas, which is highly commendable.
A 53 year old guy who isn't (presumably) religious and has been maried before may not see marriage as something desirable or even necessary. The two of you aren't going to be having kids, but that would be a reason an older guy might want to marry, but that isn't you two.
So his position could be option 3 and only he could tell you what that is. Maybe he's happy (a relative term) as he is.
What's changed since the two of you decided that you would go off to Japan again? I presume that two of you decided that, if he was head over heels then why 'let you go'?
My only point is, maybe you should be open to an option 3 and find out what that is for him, because your options 1 & 2 could be seen as final demands and that alone can be a deal breaker.
is it 'marry me or nothing' ???
As any comment I could make on how your relationship appears to others would be repetitive for long-time readers, I will just say that the last photo in this post is not only about the best one I've ever seen of your AJ, but should underline the most dependable course of action in your future.
It's not that complicated, anon.
It's not about marry or not marry anymore.
It's about what makes me happy and I being alone for far too long might have rewired me back to the Original Maria, who was a person who thrived more on the challenges of making life happen alone, with none of the bullshit that comes when others get involved - I had a crappy childhood so got my views on relationships from back then - or I am salvagable, is 'till death do us part' what I want instead. I have no idea. It no longer has anything to do with the marriage side of things, which in my eyes anyway was more a case of me not having to leave the bloody States every three months, because there are times when I'd like to do long stints at the land in the future, so I was thinking more about that, but saying that, if he doesn't bring up marriage after all this time, and with all that I have sacrificed this past few years, then that will pretty much be a deal breakers, if only because it shows that he's immune to how easy it could be for us, and always could have been for us, and that he doesn't realise that I will not entertain any more pain in my life, not one more day.
Yes, r, I love that pic.
hmm, ok. One thing I've always wondered. Is he aware of your blog? Does he read it? No bloody secrets about what you want if he does eh? haha
This is the first blog that I have had that he has never read.
He loves my blogging, he tells me he is my biggest fan, but fck this year, he cannot drive me to an airport, drive me out of his life, and then get to follow my life via blog, that's just so sick, when he could have had me for real,(it's a long, long story and his silence one morning is why I am back here) so no, he doesn't know about this blog, but he knows all my fears, which I relay to him in emails, so be knows the state of my head.
'he knows'...and I needed this blog as my outlet, to think in the open, as it allows me to understand my situation more clearly, plus I had readers who wanted to see Japan - yeah, my room, that's all its been on the whole - and god, argh, I will never look at this blog once I leave here for good. It's going in the dungeon and I will start a new one.
Speaking of your past efforts, I only wish all the abandoned ones were to be found on the Island of Misfit Blogs.
Instead, no. Gone, poof, best before.
Me, too, especially the original one. Boooooooooooooooooooooooooo hooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. One good thing about FB is that a lot of blog pics get posted there, so it provides a vault for those pics that go the way of deleted blogs.
oo, I'll have to become your anon facebook friend to keep up when you're gone haha
Even the feral need others in their lives. Annon does have some valid points.
Post a Comment