I managed to fix the 'fiddled with' Christmas lights on the classroom tree.
Had the kid involved, not previously treated things that don't belong to him in a careless way, I wouldn't have Gone Hulk on him.
But if his parent's aren't teaching him how to have respect for things, then I'll do it instead.
I did feel bad though. I've not once raised my voice at these kids. We have a fantastic teacher-student relationship. I am proud of them in so many ways.
So I was feeling a bit bad.
Fortunately I saw the boy, with three of the other kids, at the bus stop on the way home.
I stopped and gave them a big smile in my goofy hat and said that all was well, that I'd fixed the lights, that I had forgiven him, and that I was still going to buy him the bar of chocolate I promised him if he increased his grade by 10 points. Which he did. So I bought a chocolate bar for him the other day. But then I ate it.
Fck. I hate doing that.
In other news, after living for so long alone, outside of school, living in this room for months and months, with no social life, it hit home, this reality, when I lay on the floor a few minutes ago, whilst inserting a litre of coffee into my butt , it hit home how fucked up and lonely I have been, for so long, and well, I can't actually believe that in just under two weeks, my lips will lock with another, that I will be touched by another, held by another.
I think I really need this. This chance to experience what being loved feels like again. I hope it frees my mind enough to be able to move forward with another, I hope that I haven't become so survivalist in a solitary way, that sharing life with another will have become impossible after this terrible year of loneliness.
Oh, cry me a fcking koi pond.
Had the kid involved, not previously treated things that don't belong to him in a careless way, I wouldn't have Gone Hulk on him.
But if his parent's aren't teaching him how to have respect for things, then I'll do it instead.
 |
| A student in school uniform in rural Thailand |
I did feel bad though. I've not once raised my voice at these kids. We have a fantastic teacher-student relationship. I am proud of them in so many ways.
So I was feeling a bit bad.
Fortunately I saw the boy, with three of the other kids, at the bus stop on the way home.
I stopped and gave them a big smile in my goofy hat and said that all was well, that I'd fixed the lights, that I had forgiven him, and that I was still going to buy him the bar of chocolate I promised him if he increased his grade by 10 points. Which he did. So I bought a chocolate bar for him the other day. But then I ate it.
Fck. I hate doing that.
 |
| I used a body double for my foot - It's a recession, dammit! |
In other news, after living for so long alone, outside of school, living in this room for months and months, with no social life, it hit home, this reality, when I lay on the floor a few minutes ago, whilst inserting a litre of coffee into my butt , it hit home how fucked up and lonely I have been, for so long, and well, I can't actually believe that in just under two weeks, my lips will lock with another, that I will be touched by another, held by another.
I think I really need this. This chance to experience what being loved feels like again. I hope it frees my mind enough to be able to move forward with another, I hope that I haven't become so survivalist in a solitary way, that sharing life with another will have become impossible after this terrible year of loneliness.
Oh, cry me a fcking koi pond.
3 comments:
aaand, a bit of good ol loving does wonders for your skin too.
I'm happy that you are so excited about this trip.
Kinda sorta, Judith.
I am not sure if the person I have become this year, will be able to love fully again. For sure, I love him, so very much, I am just not sure that I can be with another again, I have totally shut myself off from everything but getting through each day, it has been worse than 2008, living in my own head, my only outlet being this stupid blog, and the scary thing is, I am used to it now, I am kinda sorta happy in my own head, so what do I want? What can I be after this horrific year? I do not know who I have morphed into. I won't know till I am giving it a try again. I am lucky that I have the choice eventually, and I guess this year was meant to be to give me that choice, because had I dropped out before the summer, and nothing had changed, my life would be sucking big time right now, but because i have stuck it out, I am now empowered to make the right decision for my happiness, as I cannot risk anymore sadness, not after these fucked up 4 years.
So we shall see, I am half excited, after filled with dread, because I don't know who I am anymore, apart from wanting adventure in my life once this last stint of work is over.
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