All those videos were crap and stupid but I had fun at the time and it was nice to be outside.

I am loved, I am very loved, but I am not sure which direction to take. I have become so feral.
I have warned him that I might be beyond the point of no return.
This is why it was important he visit here before Christmas.
He didn't. So the more feral I have become.

I am also nearing the end of my life.
In my eyes, 43 is 90.
I cannot afford to waste any more of my life feeling out of place with my decisions.
And with my present.
I want and need to live fully in the now.

Tonight I lay on my bed.
I looked into my eyes in a little mirror I bought today. It's the fkcing cutest fcking thing but I won't tigress. But not that cute.
The eyes. They were unblinking, serious as fuck eyes.
Like, 'get your act together, bitch' eyes.

These past few months, each and every time I get on my bike and pedal around, I think about who I am, what I am, what I should do for happiness on this planet, given that I had it so dicked before falling in love.
And I have promised myself that I will make the best decision for me this coming winter.
I reminded myself that I have always been unique in many ways.
I'm not hot, I'm not goo goo fucking gah, but there is something about me, I know there is, and it's not for anybody, it's not even for me, it's for this life of ours, this chance to live on planet earth..

Love, I seem to suffer in love, more than I thrive, not because of the person I am with - for sure, he is the ONLY candidate for love I could ever have wished for, he is amazing - but more because I am not sure that I was put on this planet to be with another, to love in this way. But we met? Was there a reason for us to meet? For me to fall in love at first sight with this guy before I'd even got a ladder to board my boat?
Who the fck knows.

I still don't know what my destiny is and, like I mentioned, I feel 90, in that this is it for me, so no more mistakes, no more of this time wasting on the stupid work treadmill, but what I do know, is that I will follow my instinct, my gut instinct, but right now, I am not sure what it is telling me.
It is one of two things.
To join with another.
Or to go it alone.
They are two very different directions, albeit both with involve great adventures.
Writing this here, in public, is because I am not afraid to confront these feelings.
And I'm not writing this for you, the reader, but for me, because this is my juice, this is where I come to 'live' this year, to 'think', because outside of this blog, all I do is work, sleep, cycle and get through each day with a heavy fucking heart. How many people do you know who have zero social life? Not many, I am sure, but I am happy being by myself for this stint, I am not miserable, I am merely waiting for my dream to come true, which is a dead cert come March. Unless I die beforehand.
I am not afraid of my future. Not at all.
I merely wish to know, asap, which direction my life story is to take.
I want to have something truly worthwhile to write about.
Fck the swings.