There's no denying it.
I love this man.
He sent me a photo today - fully clothed - and my heart just melted.
I felt as I felt that very first day I saw him walking towards the toilets in the yard, coming through the gate.
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| It is with much regret that I am about to lay the Original Hiawatha Dress to rest. 2003-2011. It has totally fallen apart. I shall burn it on a camp fire this coming winter vacation. Hmm.On second thoughts, I am sure I can make a little t-shirt for Little Ted out of it. This dress has many good memories for me. Many. |
It was a mere few seconds after I'd got out of a taxi, that had brought me from a bus station, after flying from Japan,
via Malaysia for a month, and then into LAX - I'm so dumb that I didn't realise I could have flown to PHX instead - yep, after that long, long journey, with two suitcases filled with Japanese Curry Roux,
and other bags galore,
even before I had figured out where my boat was in the work yard - it had been moved from dry storage the day before -
I fell in love.
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| WTF, you stupid fcking bitch, what were you doing falling in love and you hadn't even boarded your boat yet!! |
Even before I had walked into the yard - BAM - it hit me, this was the person I was destined to fall in love with.
And this is what I felt this morning, immediately upon setting eyes on him again.
I have not looked at any photos of him since April.
I cannot bear to.
It pains me too much.
This distance.
But seeing his photo this morning, it reminded me that maybe love is more powerful that I give it credit for, and if only I can forgive and forget, our future could be very bright indeed.
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| I wore this hat yesterday. I am very surprised that I have never lost it, given that it's been on ski slopes, in Nepal, on the boat, and heaps of other places in between. It just goes to show how adept I am at this functioning alcoholic stuff. |
6 comments:
Did you tell him how the photo made you feel?
Yes, I did.
Twice.
I still don't know if I've gone too far over the edge to be with another again. It is a real fear of mine that after having to make my own life happen for such long stints since falling deeply in love -which has always sucked, the huge gaps - that I might just be over it all, because I cannot and will not risk even a second of unhappiness entering my life ever again, and I'm not sure how happy I will be, having learned to live alone so completely, having to give up half of who I am again. It is possible to love somebody so much, but also to wonder just which direction will bring the most happiness, and given that I am a powerhorse on my own, with a sparkling personality(not for hunting and gathering another man, mind you - I would totally be alone till death) plus being a gutsy kant and so on, this is an important time for me, and a big decision has to be made - the question is, what do I want out of my life now, after all these fuck ups.
I will know pretty soon.
Me
I often have no fucking clue what is going on around here? I wanna follow along but my ADHD and your hyper compulsive posting keeps me forever in the dark.
The cat looks cute and I am sure about that. The boat is a constant metaphor/semi phallic symbol reminding you you gotta get the fuck outta here? ....and have sex...on the boat?
I'll focus for more than 5 minutes one of these days and I'll figure out more or convince myself I have anyway.
You're not the only one, buddy.
Also, may I point out that happiness isn't the absence of sadness. It works on a different level, and trying to avoid unpleasantness or emotional challenges is not even possible for nuns locked up in towers.
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