Shrinking My Life

There were a lot of workers on the train at 6am

Wow.  A 1930 till 0500 sleep. All the way through. No waking up to refill the hot water bottles.
Just a string of crap dreams.
Getting lost in a Middle Eastern fort, down all the tiny streets. Fck.
It was such a maze.
Just like my life.
Trying to figure shit out.

One step in Bett Lynch boots at a time

Hey, but this is what life's about.
God, it used to be so easy though.

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I think there's a switch in life that can, if you are careful and don't touch it, keep you in blissful La La Land till death do you part from the planet.

But if you so much as breathe on the switch, you're fcked, and all the things that bothered and concerned all the people you'd met in your life up till The Switch, who you used to feel sorry for for having problems regarding d'is and d'at, well suddenly you become like them, and it sucks.

It fcking sucks to lose the La La.

Not that having lost my La La has totally put a stop to happiness in my life.
It did for a while, totally stop, but then it came back, but it was a different kind of happiness, tinged with grown-up shit, like the stuff my mother ended up rolling in, making her sad and miserable most of the time, because we become wary once we know that La La isn't the norm after all.

This building is actually a College of Design

Sorry.
I'm actually happier than I've been for a long time,  I'm just tinged with the past, at least until finally free.

I was even sad seeing my skis again. Memories from a past life of taking them clubbing the night before heading to various pistes.

You see, even though the skiing was fun -how can sliding down hills in soft, powdery snow not be fun-  it was the journey to and from the piste - taking the train and walking around - that made me feel depressed.

It has become evident to myself that I've only been able to cope with this year via controlling 'what I see'.

I can deal with the bike ride to school.

I can deal with local jaunts on the bike.

Maybe the bike keeps me 'disconnected' from the reality?

I can deal with being in the school. Kind of.

But anything removed from any of the above, I start to feel nervous and sick inside.

Rural Japan is my favourite. If I had to do it all over again, I'd Go Rural in Snow Country.

It's hard to explain but for example, when I am on the train, I have zillions of flashbacks to all the years when I was a La La-er and happy on the train, going here, there and everywhere.

When I'm walking down certain streets, or even in the bus station from where the bus departed for the slopes, I had the same nervous shitty feeling in my tummy again, when I remembered pure 100% happy times.

So I have decided to stay close to my comfort zone.
Yes, the skiing was fun, but being 'out there' made me sad again.
So I cancelled the skiing on the 9th.
Shoot me.

I prefer my room and the local park.

To add a little bit more here, this feeling is akin to knowing that I'll never be able to return to Stratford-Upon-Avon, where my Grampy lived, because it would bring back too many memories and make me feel so sad.

That's how I feel about being back in Japan - under these absolutely fcked circumstances - and actually I think I've done quite well, I've minimised the actual 'nightmare' from totally drowning the blog with dark posts, and I've been able to do this by setting up this special comfort zone for myself.

It's kinda sick but this year has been far from an emotionally healthy one..
Bah.
I will post more photos and happier stories later on from school.
By the way, I think I can cope with seeing new stuff, not just places and things I experienced before in happier times.