I sure am feeling weepy tonight.
Thinking about my mum.
Thinking how sad it was that she died so young, before we could get to know each other as grown-ups.
Thinking how lucky I am to be alive.
Thinking how I hope I was a good kid, but I wasn't, not at school -at home, yes, a mouse - at school, no, a coyote.
It must suck to be on your deathbed, to get sick, to see it coming.
I'm seriously feeling low tonight.
This isn't right.
Not on the eve of a departure.
My, how my life has changed since falling in love.
What a fck up.
I want the old Bead Perkins back.
p.s I ate a strand of my grandfather's hair tonight because I need to feel The Force.
I'm fed up of being in this pathetic state. He would be so disappointed in me.
1 comment:
i read your post on my keitai this evening and felt compelled to write a comment. i got home just over an hour ago and noticed a letter (actually a christmas card) in my post box, highly unusual. it was from my brother.
a little background: i have been legally emancipated from my family for the past thirteen years; no contact whatsoever during that time. this past september my older brother found me on facebook and we have been blissfully emailing since then. it's amazing to reconnect with him especially because, as it turns out, he's on my side regarding the whole emancipation issue.
so receiving a christmas card this evening with photos tucked inside was making me feel exceptionally warm and cozy inside. then i saw it. about five or six pictures in, some old snapshots of me and my dad. he died when i was ten and a half, rather tragically. seeing those photos caused an immediate reaction within, emotions bubbled up and tears flowed. i had the same feeling you posted about; how fortunate i am to experience this miracle called life.
i suddenly couldn't help wondering if he would think i had screwed up my life (divorced, no kids nor the desire to procreate). but somewhere deep down in my heart of hearts i know he wouldn't think that. other family members, yes, but not him. perhaps that's just my own hope...
anyway, sorry to ramble but i just wanted you to know that reading your post made me feel a sense of understanding. your mum was stunning, by the way! i hope your holidays are peaceful, enjoy every minute.
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