I was just listening to a Podcast on NGOs in Malawi and it reminded me of yesterday, when my nice neighbor asked me where I was from, and I said 'UK but have no connection there anymore' - which is true, because MY FAMILY ARE FCKING KANTS - oops, tigression, but I hate to say 'I'm from England' and leave it at that because it totally doesn't reflect The Real Me, and I get left with the stain of being English splattered all over me. I must like milk tea, know John in London and so on.
So I mentioned that I had a 'beso' in South Africa and he was like, 'I went to Malawi on business once', and I was like, 'That's so cool. I wanna go there. How was it?' and he said, 'Well, I was only there for two days.' But still, cool huh, and this is why I like communicating with folks, cos you get to share things, instead of all this head-stuck-in-computer-screen crap.
I really, really love meeting people and this is one thing I am worried about losing in a relationship.
Because whilst he is friendly to others and loves chatting as much as I do, I will chat to ALL kinds, whereas I have noticed that he's pickier.
Like this past summer, I saw two eldery American women having a beer at an outdoor bar in Turkey, just near some famous ruins, and I was like, yeah, cool, 10am, wild women, so I wanted to stop, have a beer, and hear their story.
Which we did but he was reluctant to and afterwards I said,
'If they had been young and hot or had dreads, I don't think you would have had a problem stopping and chatting with them (I think most men like having the opportunity to preen and show off in front of women) but because they were old and past it and had smoker's coughs, false teeth and yellow hair, you weren't that bothered, but for me, meeting them, having a laugh about life with them, made my day.'
And it made me think, and I still think about it, I don't want to lose this part of my life, because when it comes down to it, my enjoyment of life comes from non-sexual/non-ego interaction with all kinds of people, merely because I like to hear where folks are from, what they do, their history and so on. I love collecting stories and I have found that I become a nobody when with another, that my spirit becomes dampened and the stories just don't happen, because, quite frankly, it's unusual to be like what I is, really, I have rarely met folks as open to doing this and that, talking to this person and that person, as what I'm like, I mean, how do I get to go deep into the Sahara, far from the madding crowd of tour buses? How do I get a private guide and my own taxi for two weeks in Burma? How? It's because I'm a fcking awesome traveler and I don't want to lose the magic of meeting and being able to talk to everybody, regardless of their age, cock size, profession, favourite Chakra.
This is something I have often talked with him about, how I feel so impotent in his presence, that I feel I have nothing to add to our life, that I just follow him around and totally lose the fantastic feeling that comes when you feel that you need to have to try, in order to get somewhere, and I guess on this matter, this conflict of love and my interest in collecting stories and being able to write, is also something that I need to try and work on, to find a happy compromise.
I found it at the beginning of the relationship. It was there. I was able to do both. But the hurt that has followed has reset me and it sucks to have to go back to square one with all the hindsight I now carry.
But I do want to work on it because he's a wonderful man, he would make a fantastic travel partner, and he's a good person, so this weakness of mine, which I think comes from being alone from the age of 16, surviving pretty much in my own head and on my tod, is something I need to work on.
Wish me luck.
Or don't.
Either way it's my juice to concentrate on. Boom boom.
Right, time to release this enema and then that's all from me for a while.
If I don't get to say it because I have no time to myself from now on, I'll say it now, have a lovely Christmas.
Ta ra for now.
3 comments:
Have you considered perhaps that this is why he likes/loves you? The fact that you are willing and open to talk to all and sundry - which he finds difficult. I know I have said it before - but don't analyse it all too much - just continue to be you and continue to talk to all those that interest you..... it's who you are, It's why and how you met him - bet you struck up the conversation and he was intrigued. Live life by your own rules Maria... it can only get better.
Thank you, Sig.
Your words have picked me up.
Have a lovely Christmas in that beautiful real Lapland of yours.
:))))))))
Everything in-between and up till now. A single life only lasts so long, but to share-and-tell stories is to communicate what it's like to be part of this thing is pretty awesome... at least that's how I feel. To be awake and alive, open to possibilities, always learning (yeah, sometimes the hard way), there's so much out there. The good adventure. Sometimes, some of us let ourselves get 'fogged down' when we're living too much in the future that never gets here.
What I wanted to say is that I really enjoy reading your thoughts probably for similar reasons as other people I'll never know.
Hope you're having an incredible trip.
Anyway...
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