I have never felt like this before a departure.
He is excited.
I am wary.
Not of him.
He is being sweet and loving and can't wait.
But I am scared of how much I might have changed this year.
These are not empty words coming from somebody who has nothing else to blog about.
These are concerns that are eating me up inside.
Okay. It's just three weeks.
During that three weeks I will figure out what I am capable of, relationship-wise.
It truly makes me sick this year, 2008, plus other crap.
Mentally sick.
I think.
I think I have become mentally sick.
If I wasn't, then where are these feelings coming from?
They aren't coming from who I was in 2007, that's for sure.
Who was that girl back then?
The one who fell head over heels in love.
Well, whoever she was, she's gone.
In her place is this hot mess.
Today I discovered that I had my departure date wrong and so I win a day.
I really need this extra day.
I am so nervous about how I will react to suddenly being in company, of having to be 'with it' 24/7, after so long alone.
And this is why he should have made me the priority and come here last month.
It would have been the best money he ever spent.
Instead the onus remains on me to try to snuff out the mental stuff messing with my head after this year and be Wonder Girl.
I can only be true to myself from hereon.
If I feel unhappy, I will have to leave.
It was so important for him to understand that I needed him. That I have been very much on the edge for a long, long time.
Now he is going to have to deal with a very fcked up head.
Or rather, I am going to have to suppress my fcked up head and try as hard as possible to be 'normal'.
I really want to relax.
This is too much for me.
So much is being expected of me.
To step off the plane as if this year never happened, as if I haven't been going to work 5 days a week, lying in bed during the rest of my time, watching this year become one that I never, ever want to remember, ever.
It is the worst year yet.. Unless, that is, it doesn't work, and then it will be a Godsend of a year.
Sorry for the self-rant.
It is not about him.
It is about who I may have become and how I hate having to use holiday time to work through my issues.
I need a break.
I guess I chose to give it another go this winter because I need to know for sure, the sooner the better, which direction I am taking come March.
But boy do I feel sick inside constantly.
So stressed, too.
This is not normal.
I should be as excited as he is.
I love him. I do.
I just don't know what remains of my ability to love anymore.
My heart has been pretty much shredded this past few years.
He is excited.
I am wary.
Not of him.
He is being sweet and loving and can't wait.
But I am scared of how much I might have changed this year.
These are not empty words coming from somebody who has nothing else to blog about.
These are concerns that are eating me up inside.
Okay. It's just three weeks.
During that three weeks I will figure out what I am capable of, relationship-wise.
It truly makes me sick this year, 2008, plus other crap.
Mentally sick.
I think.
I think I have become mentally sick.
If I wasn't, then where are these feelings coming from?
They aren't coming from who I was in 2007, that's for sure.
Who was that girl back then?
The one who fell head over heels in love.
Well, whoever she was, she's gone.
In her place is this hot mess.
 |
| God! I love my boat. I love its 'space' |
Today I discovered that I had my departure date wrong and so I win a day.
I really need this extra day.
I am so nervous about how I will react to suddenly being in company, of having to be 'with it' 24/7, after so long alone.
And this is why he should have made me the priority and come here last month.
It would have been the best money he ever spent.
Instead the onus remains on me to try to snuff out the mental stuff messing with my head after this year and be Wonder Girl.
I can only be true to myself from hereon.
If I feel unhappy, I will have to leave.
It was so important for him to understand that I needed him. That I have been very much on the edge for a long, long time.
Now he is going to have to deal with a very fcked up head.
Or rather, I am going to have to suppress my fcked up head and try as hard as possible to be 'normal'.
I really want to relax.
This is too much for me.
So much is being expected of me.
To step off the plane as if this year never happened, as if I haven't been going to work 5 days a week, lying in bed during the rest of my time, watching this year become one that I never, ever want to remember, ever.
It is the worst year yet.. Unless, that is, it doesn't work, and then it will be a Godsend of a year.
Sorry for the self-rant.
It is not about him.
It is about who I may have become and how I hate having to use holiday time to work through my issues.
I need a break.
I guess I chose to give it another go this winter because I need to know for sure, the sooner the better, which direction I am taking come March.
But boy do I feel sick inside constantly.
So stressed, too.
This is not normal.
I should be as excited as he is.
I love him. I do.
I just don't know what remains of my ability to love anymore.
My heart has been pretty much shredded this past few years.
17 comments:
It's tough, leading separate and independent lives. The communication sometimes isn't there. We think we know what the other person thinks and wants and we assume that they know what we think and want, but that's rarely the case.
In the interim, we're all conjecture and living in our tiny heads.
Stop fretting. You won't know until you get there. Try and get there with a positive attitude and no preconceived notions.
We can compare notes later. ;)
Best wishes, Maria. I hope you have a veritable love fest!
oh darling maria...
You're going to do great if you remember this one thing, "be maria".
love never makes anything perfect, we are never always happy, but if you can remember those things and live in the moment, forgive yourself as you forgive others, you'll do great!
bon voyage!!!
<3 Katie
M, if you're going over there, how about just trying to enjoy yourself. There's no point in dwelling on the past anymore or thinking of ways to punish yourself or him. Just think of it as a holiday and have some fun?
Fuffy x
Just avoid boozing on that long, long flight. Isn't that where you "lose" a day, anyway? Better to secure a mild sedative, perhaps (something I rarely advocate), just so you can arrive, if nothing else, at least well-rested. Or partially rested.
I will not listen to your lame ass advice, r.
There is NO WAY I won't have a Bloody Mary or a beer or wine with my food, NO WAY, not when I expressly choose certain airlines because it's all still complimentary.
NO WAY.
I LOVE flying, it is part of the journey, and being the usual twat who pops a pill and sleeps the entire way, is not in my DNA.
I love the entire thing, and it's not like I get wasted - you seem to think that I am some kind of animal with booze - but I sure do enjoy how wonderful it is to be able to drink for free at such high an altitude.
Fly with me once and understand that I really am the kind of person who can have fun even in an empty cardboard box, alone, which is why I have managed to not go totally crazy this year, and no fcking way is my flight to the US gonna be DRY.
Having such a boring, default flight, would lead to me arriving tense and stressed, like 90% of the population out there, who pop pills instead and miss all the great scenery.
Thanks for caring though.
;)
Furthest from my mind is taking the past with me on this trip.
My point is that I might have changed, that you can't do this to somebody who loves you so deeply, these long stints of distance, even during my retirement, without there possibly being some irreversible changes to the psyche of the person who has had to live through this.
If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be bothered, I wouldn't be fearful, but I fear that I have gone beyond the beyond, and whilst for sure I can be happy and have fun and la la la, the point of this trip is to find out if I can do it forever, or if I have spent so long on my own now, have been so sad for so very long, that I just can't do it anymore.
I have no idea how I will react over there but I do know that this year should not be underestimated for the damaging effect it has had on our relationship and my ability to cope.
I will only accept happiness in my life from hereon.
Only sickness or death can piss me off - or fork biters - and if I am too damaged to feel comfortable because of how all of this has affected me, then I will have to walk away.
But I won't know until I try, hey, at least I am trying.
I am a very strong person, stronger than ever, despite falling hard a few times in the past, falling so deeply, and yet I crawled back up. I will not fall again. I have the power to rely upon myself, if I so wish. I will not go through any more hurt or confusion again.
Ever.
Shamisen twangs.
p.s Thanks for all the nice comments - apart from R's stupid one about the dry flight. ;)
sorry for being a little late to add my two cents, but here they are...
i think i went through a very similar experience to yours. not the same, of course, but similar nevertheless. and this is not any kind of advice, i know you don't need or want that necessarily. just my experience to add to yours.
well, i also had a separation from my beloved for a short (relatively speaking) time and i had heaps of apprehension and anxiety before reuniting with him. we had been apart for six months and during that time, i surprised myself by how much i had changed; i came to relish my personal time and being alone was more comfortable than being with others (co-workers and such). even emailing him was becoming a minor annoyance. i really thrived being on my own. had my feelings changed towards him? not exactly, but towards myself, you betcha. in the end, our reunion was super sweet and the ways i had changed didn't matter all that much once we got back into our regular groove. personally speaking, those ways i changed actually led to a huge leap in emotional growth... painful at that time but so rewarding in the end.
there's not much you can do about the anxiety now, but i believe you'll find yourself right where you need to be.
incidentally, that personal story happened a long time ago, and although it worked out at the time, we are no longer together as a couple. for reasons completely unrelated to what's happening in your situation.
No need to go off like a female hyena who's just discovered what she's supposed to give birth through, my dear.
Merely a suggestion that pour complimentary bevvies down the hatch in a condition of nervous exhaustion might be counterproductive to the whole "happiness ambition" upon rolling into the alleged Land of the Free.
Also, picking airlines on the basis of their free pour policies, rather than, say, "do the wings fall off statistically more often", is indeed something perhaps only you and the late Mr. Hitchens would consider. I'm pretty sure Gore Vidal isn't flying much anymore.
It just so happens that airlines who still treat their customers like the drunks they wish to be at 30,000 feet, are the good airlines, that avoid getting 'hijacked' - yeah right, hijack, yeah right..more like a couple of drones, and how did that passport survive in the debris of two buildings - fck, I am tigressing, yep, the good airlines, with wings firmly stuck on, still treat their passengers like humans, so no worries there r, that my need for complimentary beverages is putting more than my liver at risk.
Do you have your booze monitored? You're a bit of a prude about my 'drinking'. Again, I seem to think that you think that I'm some kind of British Binge -er, which I am not, I just enjoy wine with my food and so on, like millions of southern Europeans before me, even though I am from the UK - sigh - where it was Ribena for years.
Nancy
Thanks for that. I do like to hear of other's experiences because it helps remind me that this is probably a natural reaction to the situation, that it's a common reaction, so I shouldn't worry that I'm a feral freak or something.
Thank you for sharing. It helped because it came from somebody who has been through the same thing.
I'm no prude, Maria, but you have...many times and apparently not in jest...described yourself as "mentally sick", "depressive", "stressed", "sick inside", "not right in my head", "broken inside" and other Generally Unhappy Self-descriptives.
My experience tells me that people in such circumstances may...and I stress "may"...self-medicate with alcohol.
It's not prudery. It's reading the signals you are flying deliberately to warn the planet "Ship May Not Be Under Proper Helm".
If you hadn't said over and over again what an isolated, brooding mess you've become, actually concerned that your very mind has rewired itself against the prospect of co-habitation ever again, I wouldn't even notice the booze talk. I do sail, you know, and am not unfamiliar with the concept of hilarity ensuing over a mug or six of something boozy.
But it's your stated mental disarray that I don't really think would be improved by getting squiffy (that word again) at altitude. I also have a friend, recently widowed, who just burst a gastric ulcer with his supposedly heart-healthy red wine intake. He's still in the hospital, numbed now on morphine instead of alcohol, but his wife's still dead, his dog is very old, and he's flailing around trying to cope...half-cut in the afternoons.
Sound even vaguely familiar? Allaying loss, regret and anomie with drinking alone?
Listen, I'm all for free liquor. Sometimes I go to art shows I don't even like because I'll get a pint of red wine out of it. But I'm generally cheerful at the prospect. If I'm in the dumps, I don't customarily drink. It won't improve my situation, usually. How does it improve yours?
R
I do not drink because of my mental condition.
I haven't 'turned to drink'.
Indeed, I am drinking less than I used to, it's no fun alone.
Your friend, that's sad, but I'm not as sad a case as he seems, and my diet, the food I eat, is probably better than his, so I don't think, touch wood, I'll be hospitalised anytime soon for ulcers and so on.
Please remember that my lowest moments, my misery, are other people's dreams. It's bad for me, but not that bad when compared with a lot of the other crap going on out there.
Life would become bleak if suddenly the pleasure that comes from having wine with my meals turns into an issue.
Fair enough, Maria. It's hard to give a damn at half a planet's distance, but I occasionally attempt it.
I know you say these things because you kinda care, r, but you get all your info on me from this blog, and it's highlighted, concentrated, it's not the entire 24 hours of each day, so there are huge chunks of the day when I am 'normal', living a normal life, working Mon-Fri, there really is very little absolute madness going on, but when I do write, I write about what is going on in my head, as opposed to every post being some comment on society or whatever, because it enables me to view my life and think deeply about what will make me happy in the end.
I actually have my misery under control - I am still the teacher with the most smiles in the school, and the quickest wit, indeed, just this morning I have made so many folks laugh, so it's not like I'm walking around self-harming.
I guess I should be more cheery on the blog but my blog is where I offload the crap, so I guess you rarely get to see the 'general' me which is pretty happy-go-lucky-funny most of the time, so it's my fault that you have reacted to my mental anguish, because I don't show how well I actually deal with it, and I am very excited for my future, I mean, I have it all, this year has meant that I have it all, more than ever, even though it's been a somewhat painful year.
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