Too Much To Fathom

The mighty Facebook, which also introduced me to Tom Hanks, allows me to follow multiple lives.

Fresh Ramen Noodles Topped With Ground Sesame And Seaweed

Some of those lives are saturated with salt, and quite often such salty updates get me licking my lips whilst thinking deeply about what it is I truly want out of life, which was something I was always clear about before 'falling in love', and were this still the early days of courtship, before things had gone wrong, before so much emotional distress turned me into a crazy mothrafcker, I would have gotten over that 'stage' and would have instead embraced the new and different world of love.
But that didn't happen, what with the stop start nature of the relationship, and so now I am all fcked up, and am unsure as to what my 43 year old self truly wants out of life, what will truly make me happy, given that I was never one to require treading the boards of life holding the hand of another, that I had been doing a pretty damn good job on my tod to begin with. He is aware that I have this dilemma, is being patient, wants to help me get used to being with another, but I am not sure that I can, not after all  I have been through emotionally, but we shall see, and this is why the winter vacation is going to be my oracle for the future. If he had come here at the end of this month, it would have helped ease what is going to be a pretty challenging reunion eventually. I am going to need quite a few strong G&T's on the flight, a drink I only partake of in the air, or in Arizona. Thank fck I'm flying with a Japanese airline, and not a US one.

If you made sense of all that, well done.

Before love I was a lot of fun to be around, but since I fell in love, and during the times when I was left alone, I became a fcking kant to those around me. I remember not sharing my computer with a really, really, really cool sailor guy, retired, lovely wife, bloody intelligent, boat called The Dark Side, because I was waiting for emails re: love. Fck. I will never forget that kanty moment. I can be such a bitch sometimes. So Slavic.
Oops, tigression.
Whilst on the whole I was still a pretty trippy and fun person to be around, I had also become a mere shadow of my former self, and this is another regret that bothers me, that my joy of life got totally nipped in the fcking bud, to the point that I even bought that book on killing yourself with a helium bag, like WTF, and like I just said, I'm at the stage now where I don't know what I can handle any more, beyond knowing that who I was before I fell in love, is still very much inside me, which is a happy person who seeks the kind of adventures that FB friends and friends of FB friends often remind me are still out there to achieve. Plus some of this blog readership, of course.

Note to self: Don't wear these boots in the rain.

I'm not sure I can be with another. Not after all that has happened. Even though I love this man so very, very much and we are in communication and well, this is it, this winter is it.
However, I have been alone since April, with just 29 days with another. I am fcked up.
Having to be by myself again, fck, it fcks with my head, it turns me into somebody who is self-supporting, self-existing, self-surviving. It has always fcked with my head to have to go through these not insignificant lengths of time alone, but consumed with love, whilst 'other stuff' got done. But this year really takes the biscuit, like wtf, how could it have happened?? You have no idea but it is something that I feel bitter about almost every second of every single day.
I am pretty broken, heart wise. For sure, I am giving it one more try, but I'm not sure if I even want love in my life any longer, not if it's gonna make me miserable again. I might prefer being some crazy ass adventure bitch, get more out of life that way, than if I became just a lover, totally impotent as a person given my partner's skill and knowledge concerning just about anything and everything, plus the constant stress that comes with having to deal with all the parasite sluts out there, who throw themselves at successful couples. I hate that shit. But we shall see.
This coming winter vacation will give me what I need to make the final decision.

Just another bubbling noodle mess

 I lived an extremely full and satisfying life when I was alone, I am unique in that respect, in that not having family for quite a few years, honed me into a self-contained survival unit.
Had none of the bullshit happened, that has happened since I fell in love, I would have morphed from being an SCSU, to the next stage, Total Love Machine, but that got warped, and because it got warped, it got lost, that chance to mold me into something new, got lost, instead I have become feral, fearful, and protective of my future, however long I might have left on the planet, because I do not take reaching old age to be a given, not with my family history, so just so you know, I am quite lost as to which direction to take, and only this winter will tell, which might be why I decided to stay at work after all, just in case I have become too broken to love again, and yet what I was before will be enough to become a great adventurer for the rest of my days.I hope I can love again, I really do, I fell in love with this man for many, many good reasons. He is wonderful. But I'm not sure I can be so close to another again. Not after this year and all that came before.

Wow. This cooler creates heat, too. It's super awesome that I don't have to pay any bills. I've never had the luxury of heating a house for free. Not that I will overdo it. I am very energy conscious and will more often than not use the 'yutampo'. It keeps me real.

It is a hard decision to make and one that most women my age don't have to ever think about.
Imagine if I was your average 43 year old in the UK, with average looks and a basic Desmond Tutu B.A in a useless subject..
I'd have no boat. My property would be in the country of my birth and mortgaged to the hilt. I would more than likely have children. It is highly likely I'd be divorced. It would be impossible to retire at 43.
If that was the case, then being a 'couple' with such an accomplished, loving man, would be a dream come true. I'd jump at the chance to be looked after, to be cared for, to be loved.
And it was, it was my dream, before it got broken, before I discovered that sluts existed, that distance existed, that love can suck the smile from your face. God, did I fall deeply in love. You have no idea. It was never written about but it was the most amazing boat yard love story ever.

Note to self: Never, ever buy edible Christmas presents until 5 minutes before handing them over. Fck. I ate all three bags. Good quality, too. No vegetable fat in this chocolate.

But now, after 5 years of mostly pain, I am on a winning streak, albeit emotionally screwed up. I have no debt, I have a boat, I have my collateral for the future, I have my somewhat witty personality, I have my health, I have the balls to seek a challenge. Or do I become nothing, a partner, for sure, but one who will never really be challenged, beyond the challenge that love requires. And boy oh boy, love has been painful, and I am not sure I want to go through any more pain.
Anyway, we shall see.