Unzip The Windflap and Love

UPDATE
Certain readers seem to think that my last paragraph was aimed at the widow of Steve Jobs.
It wasn't.
I was talking about myself.
I may loathe fork biters, dismiss the sheeple as being dull, misguided fckers, believe that 9/11 was an Inside Leg, but there is no way that I'm such a bitch as to make snide comments about anybody but The Beast.
I'm sorry that my bad punctuation confused a few of you.


Wow. It's pretty amazing how talking to somebody via Skype can make you feel that they absolutely utterly love you to the core, and always will.
I heard it in his voice.
It's genuine.
So I'll run with it.
I have thought long and hard about the two paths my life could take as of 2012.
I have thought long and hard about how important love has become in my life.
I haven't experienced much love in life and not because I'm an opinionated kant, that has nothing to do with it.













I just drew the short straw with family.
Indeed, I don't think there even was a straw to draw.
I became this Black Sheep and I really have no idea why. I'd seriously start promoting Obama to be the next POTUS if somebody would tell me why all those family members just walked away, right after my mother died, they just walked away. Fckers. Oops sorry.
If I became famous, you know, getting on Oprah and whatnot, I'd say, 'Bring it on! Tell me why you abandoned me, you fckers!'

I can understand why The Beast resents me, kind of, sort of, what with our Grandfather rooting for me in his will, and not her, but the same could be said of her Grandfather not leaving me anything, which never bothered me, indeed, it is only from having The Beast go after my share of Grampy's treasure, and failing miserably, that made me even think about how she got dosh from the other, and I didn't, otherwise it would not have crossed my mind.

I just don't think like that, even though my family thought that there was an ulterior motive to loving my grandfather deeply; a motive for all the visits I made to him over the years, going out of my way to squeeze in a trip to the UK via some exotic location or other; an ulterior motive to the hundreds of letters and photos I sent him over the years, and so on.
Even my uncles said to me, upon Grampy passing, 'We thought he'd leave it all to you. We are surprised he split it between us.'
I was like, 'You fkers for actually having thought things like this', but didn't say it, just thought it.

I contacted The Beast the other day - via FB - trying to make another go at sisterhood, I mean, we are each our closest blood relative - but she told me to fck off again and that she could never forgive me for not sharing Grampy's money with her. I was like, 'Okay, see ya!'
I'm not sure why I keep trying, I guess I hope that she drops her grudge and starts to think better of me for not even considering wanting a share of whatever she got from her grampy dude, but d'ats not gonna happen, so I doubt that I will contact the overweight, tattooed, pierced-all-over, divorced mother of one again.(I wouldn't have written that if she hadn't been such a kant)

Anyway, what I want to say is that I have received very little love in my life, whilst doling out as much as I could to my grandfather while he was alive, because he was the only person open to it, and so, when thinking about which path to take this spring - a life alone, surrounded by people who recoil in horror at the thought of coffee enemas, or one with a man who actually SOUNDS like I'm wrapped around his heart - well, I'm beginning to think I'd like to spend the rest of my life being loved and loving another.

Okay, so joining forces with another will mean that I might not feel like I accomplished as much in my life, because he knows how to do everything, and the focus wouldn't be totally on AJ, albeit we'd use her, I know we would, and I am sure we would use her for a Pacific crossing, because he put so much work into the boat.

But what do I want more?
Being able to blog about having found crew, crossed this, crossed that, but never having somebody hold me close, love me, understand me.
Or finally going for it, forgiving the past, embracing the future, because to continue living this quirky life en solo, my only audience being y'all, being a 'blogger with a boat', but not much more, well it seems a poor second best given that I love being held and loved by a man who also believes that 9/11 was an Inside Leg, and who loves me because "You get it, Maria', 'it' being 'life'; not doing the usual default frittering away of it till retirement at 65 and death do we part,  well, this mutual 'getting it' and then 'doing it', beats going through the rest of my life being a middle-aged single nutter with a boat, swimming in a sea where, outside of Water World, not that many people do 'get it', and that would make for a lonely life, that is for shore.

I know it has been quite a circumnavigation since 2008, full of rogue waves, and crushing tsunamis, but there is a reason we are still together (and this year has been painful for him, too, he is so sad that I un-quit my job in the summer) and that is because it is special.
He loves about me what most of my FB friends hate about me; my opinions, my interest in The Other Side of Political Thought, indeed, the fact that I even think about the world and its problems is refreshing to him, plus he loves how much I loved my Grampy, and for these reasons he finds me endearing, amongst other things, like how I love food and drink, and will have a beer or a sip of tequila for breakfast.
I'm tigressing.

I had a pretty crappy weekend and I was looking at some pics of him, trying to hate him, trying with all my might to hate him, to make it so that I wouldn't mind taking the solo lane, but I couldn't, I couldn't not love this man, not after all the tenderness he has shown me in the good times, and all the love that I heard in his voice this morning, well, this morning brought home to me that he loves me very much, as I do he/him/drink/drank/drunk.

I feel a big sense of relief  from within, albeit to experience that release I have to totally forgive and close my eyes to my current reality, but I've not long to go, just 6 weeks till 3 weeks off, and then not much after that, a time I believe will be spent planning the exit from Japan, hopefully taking a ferry from northern Japan to Russia, and going from there, so those first few months of the year will be full of exciting distraction, planning this and that.

And the last few weeks of this year?

Well, I will enjoy, like last year, the family Christmas I so crave, the family I so crave, because I truly miss not having had a family in my life, I have missed not having family praise me for what I have achieved, for my quirky personality, for even the simple things, I have really missed that, and last year in the US, I loved being around Miss Daisy, I loved handing out the presents on Christmas Eve, smiling and making jokes and bringing a fresh and free laughter into the home of a lady who had recently lost her husband of 50 years.
I loved it.
I felt like the Little Match Girl in me had finally found the family into which she would be welcomed.

I really loved being part of that family and they want it again, they want me there again, and this has made me feel almost complete, to finally feel part of a family, because it has sucked being the Black Sheep, absolutely sucked, and my family can go to hell for being such cold, calculating bastards.
You never got to know me. Your loss!
Oops sorry.
So, what I want to say is that this feels good, it feels right and oh wow oh wow oh wow (which were the last words of Steve Jobs) it is pretty amazing that such an accomplished, dashing man, fell in love with a woman who has a big nose, a wrinkled forehead, crap hair and a cervix that is angled slightly differently to most other pussies.